In Loving Memory

My darling Grandma Helen passed away last night. She had battled with breast cancer for over 20 years and is now finally at peace and free from any pain and suffering. I am so glad that I was able to talk to her a few weeks ago. I am sad that I won't be able to talk to her as easily, but I wonder if she will be able to be closer to me now from where she is. I can't help but think that one more angel has been added to my "ranks" in heaven. She is an amazing person and I will miss her dearly.

The things I love the most about my Grandma is her quiet and gentle spirit. She always had something nice to say about everyone. She is very smart and loved to read and could recite beautiful thoughts and poetry. She loved to work in the garden and she loved animals. I didn't get to see her often because she lived in Canada, but that didn't stop us from having a really close relationship. I loved to call and chat on the phone from time to time and we always had so much to talk about when she visited us here. I look up to her and honor her. We have a special connection because she had identical twin girls (my mom was one of them) and I had identical twin boys. We often talked about how much fun (and hard work) having twins were.

I will cherish the blessing blanket she crocheted for my boys. I will think of her hands lovingly placing every loop to make a beautiful masterpiece. I will remember the sweet way she says my name and the loving sparkle in her eyes when she smiles. I will remember the tender image of her snuggling sweet Nathan when he was a baby in the park. (Refer to pictures above) She is such an example to me of how I want to be, always putting family first and always learning and seeking out the good in the world.

My sweet angel Grandma has now been enlisted in my care. I know she will be a part of my fight from the other side. I love you so much Grandma, thank you for all of the wonderful memories. I will miss you so much, but know that you are really closer than ever.

Update and Clarification

I am updating results from my last CT scan. I'm sorry that I gave out misinformation. Going into the oncologist often leaves you feeling overwhelmed and confused and it doesn't surprise me that we didn't notice the dates on the preliminary vs. the final report. The "final" result we had previously been given was just a copy from the result back in November.

There has been change and growth on the CT scan from the last scan in November to now. This came as quite a shock to me and my family. I was so excited to get the blood work done and ready for at least some encouragement, if not more. The blood work came back pretty good except a few tests that indicated the liver is having a harder time keeping up. My white and red blood count is good and the bilirubin on the liver is still good. I am still waiting to hear back what the cancer marker test shows, but by looking at the other reports, I won't be too surprised if it is high as well.

Needless to say, I feel lost. What do I do now? Never has there been a darker time in my life. HOW is this going to work out? It is becoming increasingly harder to have faith when the "evidence" is stacked so against me. I am so grateful to all of you for your support and faith, fasting and prayers, love and concern in my behalf. Sometimes I feel like I am just dragging all of you along for this ride too and it makes me feel bad. Thank you for mourning with me and keeping me lifted up and encouraged so often.

There are two plaques that have been given to me recently that simply say, "Believe" that I love to look at each day. The bishop and his wife just gave me one that says, "Be still, and know that I am God." I love that one too. I am really trying to "be still" and to be patient and let the Lord do his work, in his own time. I just hope I can keep up the faith for as long as is required. Thanks again for all you have done for me. I am SO supported and loved.