I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted something! I guess I'm not really sure what to write about. Lately I feel like I am on a huge roller coaster ride. One day I'm up, and the next I'm down. I have had many amazing experiences that keep prodding me along this scary path that I'm on, leaving me feeling guided, inspired and full of hope. My mom wrote me the most inspiring letter the other day that gave me so much comfort. With this and a blessing, I know I am being watched out for.
Then there are days (especially when I feel pain) that the fear and doubt begin to creep in and I go through all the "what if's". I hear all the "practical" reasons why I may never beat this illness and it leaves me feeling full of panic, fear and hopelessness. Some people don't help my fears any either. Did I tell you about the day my case worker from my insurance called? She was asking me how much pain meds I was on. I responded, "none". Then she asked how much weight I had lost. I said, "a lot after surgery, but now I'm maintaining". "Oh", she said. Then she asked if I was still refusing treatment. I said that I just didn't feel like the options I had were worth the risks involved and that I have the rest of my life to do them if I choose. She responds with, "Well, you never know how much life you will have left to decide". Yes. I guess that's true. I am so done talking to her and so I try to get off the line. Then she says, "Well do you know about our hospice program? Do you know what hospice is?" Yes. I know what hospice is. "Well when things get bad, we have hospice available". Ok. Thanks for that. Now I can go on. SERIOUSLY!!? Can people really be that insensitive? Don't worry, I already have a plan. I'm going to tell her if she calls again that I no longer wish to speak to her or hear about their "services", thanks. I feel like there is a huge battle going on within me and around me and I just wish I knew how it was all going to play out. (or maybe I don't?)
I would like to get off this roller coaster of emotions. I'm getting tired of trying to stay full of hope all the time. I'm tired of being so scared all the time and worrying about the "unknown". It's hard to be so careful with what I eat and I just wish I could be "normal". My mom told me about a book she had read in her book club that I may like. It was amazing and made me feel so grateful for what I DO have. This lady went through so much and came through it with faith, hope and and became an even more amazing person!
There were a few passages highlighted in the copy I got from my local library. They said, "They'd lost their faith- and in doing so, They'd also lost hope". Wow. That one spoke to me. Then I read this one: "I began to visualize it, believing in my heart that it had already come to pass. I'd put it all in God's hands and knew that it was only a matter of time before he would bless me with my wish". It was incredible!! The previous reader (or angels) must have known how much I needed to read those words- right now! It's just trying to remember these things during the dark times.
For all of you that have been wondering (prodding, begging, nagging with love etc...) when I am going to get another CT scan, I have the date set! April 16th I will be radiated in mega doses so we can see what my cancer is up to. I am not looking forward to this at all. Just the thought of seeing my oncologist again makes me anxious. (Can anyone say Xanax?) I am hoping for a positive scan and some great blood work! I keep trying to visualize and hope that there will come a day when they say to me, "We can find No Evidence of Disease". Until then, I keep moving forward through all the ups and downs.
After mentioning how I feel the other day, I had a friend say that we should just get in the front car of the roller coaster because that is the most fun anyway! I know I should choose to look at it this way. In actuality, I love real roller coasters, (as opposed to emotional ones) They are fun, fast and I feel safe riding them. You can also foresee what the ride will be like ahead because you can SEE it! The ride I am on does not feel safe and I have no idea if I will go up or down or how long it will last. I have to ride along with FAITH that the one in charge of the ride has my best interest in mind.
10 comments:
Am,
I'm not one of those people who are full of inspiring words, sorry. But I did want to say that you're ALLOWED to have moments of frustration. You're ALLOWED to be scared. You're ALLOWED to cry. It's VERY difficult to ALWAYS be positive and full of hope.
For me, (I do understand that our situations are very different) sometimes it really helps to just cry about it. To scream that it's just not fair and that I wish things were different.
It seems like when I have these insecure moments, for some reason I start to find myself more acutely aware of the blessings I have IN SPITE OF everything else. That awareness (after the vulnerability) somehow makes it easier to gather myself back up, wipe the snot off my face, and press forward with a positive attitude again.
I'm a roller coaster fanatic! I absolutely LOVE them! Even still, after I've ridden for too long I tend to feel a bit nauseated. But then, after I'm able to throw up and rest on a bench for a few minutes, I start feeling better. And eventually I'm ready to climb back in that front seat and do it all over again.
You're a strong woman who has already fought an incredible battle. Please know that you have SO MANY people rooting for you!
P.S. Sorry for talking about things like 'puke' and 'snot' in such a serious situation. I warned you I wasn't very inspirational.
Amberly--You are so awesome to put all of your feelings out there and continue on, the best way you know how. I'm amazed at your inner strength to get through this battle with cancer. We're praying for you to be healed! I hope knowing we're all thinking/praying/hoping for you helps during those down times. Hang in there and thank you for sharing.
Amberly...how I wish I was close by so I could wrap my arms around you and share a good cry!! You are a woman of great faith. I am so impressed with how you are putting your faith and trust in the Lord. So many of us(including myself) find ourselves fearful and trusting in "man" and others opinions (especially medical personel) instead of trusting in the Lord...who really does have our best interest in mind. Thank you for your great example. Your friends are right...you are allowed to have those days where you just want to kick, scream and have a good cry because we all know you are the type of woman who picks herself back up and faces your challange with faith and determination. Way to take charge!! And I think the next time that lady calls you should let her know exactly how you feel about her insensitivity.
Love you~
i am reading that book right now for our book club. it is an amazing and inspirational book. i have enjoyed it so far. it has also reminded me of my blessings (which is always a good thing). although i can't image what you are going through i know heavenly father is always there for you and that the savior is the only one who truly does know what you are going through. i am praying for you.
EW. What an awesome case worker Am! You should be SO proud of yourself, most people in your same situation would be popping those pain pills and would have given up and given in by now. Little does this cancer know who it picked to mess with! I'm so proud of you, you inspire so many (including myself) and this is all part of your purpose here. You are riding this ride so you can help those of us with much less courage than you! Am, I must make sure that you are getting this scan because YOU feel it is the right time and not because people are pressuring you. There may be cancer on the scan, it may look the same. The doctors and insurance agents will be so pleased... but you know in YOUR heart that what you are doing is right and that you will beat this by doing the things you feel will help heal your body. It does take time, and there will be a day when they will tell you, "we can find NO evidence of disease!!!" Keep visualizing that! Who knows how many witch doctors and other inspirations you are supposed to meet along the way. You are most definitely in the front of this coaster! Don't ever move to the back either! LOVE YOU!
P.S. I am always here if you need someone to talk to on those rough days. No one can know how it feels for you right now, but I want to hear all about it just the same! Sometimes just being heard and understood helps more than we know.
Hi...you probably don't remember me. I think we've met...anyway I hear about you from people who care, and I just wanted to let you know I think you're amazing! You should come and share your thoughts at our next book club. It's not a ward thing...anyone who wants to come is welcome!
I'm sorry you're on this roller coaster. I wish I knew how to help you get off. Just remember that when you're on a low, you have lots of friends and family who are there to lift you up. I love that you found that inspirational message in your library book. Those are tender mercies from Heavenly Father for sure. Love you girl!
Just want you to know that we are always thinking about you and keeping you in our prayers. (And I know prayers are answered). Keep the faith and when you are having a bad day give me a call, or better yet we can go for a walk again. It seems like it has been forever since our morning walks, when we were barely awake and walking the emptry streets of Ephraim! Oh, the good old days!
I'm sorry you have to deal with such insensitive people. I was honestly pist to hear what that "case worker" was saying to you! Good grief! That's awful. You are an amazing person and someone I admire so much! Keep the faith and believe in unseen miracles. Soon you will hear the words you are longing to hear. I'm glad you are reading Immaculee's book. That is my all time favorite book! So inspiring! I actually just bought that book for my dad for his birthday. Good luck with your scan this month! I will be fasting and praying for you!
You are never out of our thoughts and prayers. I know I wouldn't be as strong as you are but I still believe in miracles and we are praying for you to feel that peace that comes with that knowledge!!
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