HOPE against all hope...

This was given to me from a good friend that wanted me to remember what I am fighting for. Thank you so much Erin!!


My mom and Aunt made this for me to remind me to have hope.


Here is my mom and Aunt Patricia with Aaron and Collin. The identical twins together! They came down and cleaned my house, took care of my kids, and made us dinner. Thanks so much guys! I love you!!!


This was sent to me from my cousin Tamra to help me become one of these. Thank you so much for the inspiring tokens of love guys!! They give me strength each day I look at them.


On Friday I went to meet two different oncologists. The first one was at the IMC and he was very nice. The staff was very friendly to us too. He went over treatment options (of which there very few) and made my brain feel like it was in a blender. Basically, they can't do Chemotherapy because it's a slow growing cancer, and they can't do radiation because the liver won't tolerate it. So... I can take these very expensive ($20,000 per shot to $80,000 per treatment) pills or shots or do some treatment with "theraspheres" and it will inhibit and slow the cancer at best. He told me that there is no cure for my illness. That was a huge blow. We have heard so many things about Huntsman and I guess I felt like when I went there they would tell me about this cutting-edge technology and that they will do everything in their power to save me. Nope. Same story there. Treatments, drugs, clinical trials that may prolong my life but won't save it. The lady at Huntsman was nice too and we are having a hard time trying to decide which doctor to go to. Both of them felt like we should wait a while and have another scan done to see the "rate of progress" that the disease has. If there is no change from the last scan, they will likely hold off treatment for a while longer. It's up to me when I want to start treatment, but like I said, they are very expensive and aren't going to do much good. They can also have side effects too, and once I start, I will likely be on them the rest of my life.

So there it is.

I don't know if I can take much more of this! I feel like I'm trying to be optimistic and hopeful and they just keep telling me worse and worse news! I feel like I am being kicked in the face repeatedly. Where do I go from here? I liked what my sister said. If someone only knows how to fix something one way, and they can't fix it that way, they say it can't be fixed. I am still hoping (against hope) that there is someone out there that can help me or that God will manifest a miracle in me.

I have so much to fight for. My sweet children, my husband, my family, my friends, my LIFE. I want someone out there to give me HOPE!!! I want to truly believe that I can beat this, against all odds and be a SURVIVOR!

It has made me focus on what is truly important in life. None of us know how many "tommorows" we have. I hope that I can learn what I am supposed to from this heavy, heavy burden and come through it somehow.

I am willing to do just about anything so send your witch doctors my way! I will eat grass. Bring it on. Even though I am having a tough time with this right now, I feel like I will be able to dust myself off and find the hope and strength I need. There is only ONE person in charge, and He does not work at Huntsman.